who knows you best in all the world? Your child. Your child has been reading you like a book from the day they were born.
Recently, I learnt that babies' brains don't know how to work their eyes when they are born. It takes a few days for the neural pathways to be formed so that a baby can use their eyes to see. Once these neural pathways are in place, the baby can start to learn to see, and what they learn to see first is their parents' faces. Babies study their mother's face and very quickly learn to read her expressions, and then to mirror them. Learning to read a mother's emotions is the top priority.
And it doesn't stop in babyhood. As a child grows, they are completely tuned in to how their primary parent is feeling. Unconsciously, A child knows every flicker of every facial muscle and what it means. They interpret every slight change in breathing or body language, and know all the different tones of voice and what they signify. They are experts in knowing how we are feeling.
All the time they are learning from us. They are learning what emotions look like, and also what to do with them. My mum is angry, my mum is sad, my mum is worried. When my mum is sad she cries, when my mum is angry she shouts. When she is worried she snaps at everybody and drinks a lot of tea. They are not learning from what we are saying with words, but what we are saying with our bodies, faces and tone of voice.
To me, this means we need to be honest with our children.
If you feel sad, tell them you feel sad and explain why. They know you are sad already, and explaining your feelings takes away the fear and anxiety. If you lose your temper, when you have calmed down talk about it. 'I lost my temper because I was feeling really tired and frustrated, and it felt like you were deliberately being very rude to me. I wish I hadn't shouted at you, because it didn't get us anywhere. What do you think we could have done differently?'. If you need to cry, cry. let your child see you crying. You are teaching them that this is what you do when you feel sad, and it is ok. Crying isn't something shameful or scary, and it can actually help you feel better.
If your child can read you like a book, there is no use in pretending you are happy when you are sad. Your child knows you are saying one thing but feeling another, and you are teaching them that sadness is wrong or shameful, that it needs to be hidden. It can also make your child worry about you because they can tell something isn't right.
This is not to say we should burden our children with our emotions, telling them about every worry, fear and anxiety we have. We shouldn't lose control, crying and shouting with abandon at the drop of a hat. But if we want our children to learn how to feel the complete range of emotions without fear or shame, we need to lead by example.
During this lockdown, we'll be feeling some pretty strong emotions and so will our children. It is a chance for everyone to be honest and open. Reach for the tissues, put the kettle on and let those feelings out.
David Eagleman talking about how babies' brains develop: https://open.spotify.com/episode/3zWZuSHMooOnPv5oIvDXCM
When it is ok to cry in front of your child and when it isn't:
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