Today, I was doing that job that only gets done when there is nothing else to do, sorting out all the bits of paper scattered all over my desk and stuffed out of sight in drawers. It made me gather all of my feedback sheets together in one place. This was a much needed reminder of why I left a secure, well paid job to set up my company, with no guarantees of success or a reliable income.
I use these feedback sheets to gather information on how my clients feel about my coaching, and I can use them to demonstrate that what I do works. As I was tidying up the bundle of papers to file away, a sentence caught my eye: 'Coaching has taught me that I'm not a worthless person'. It was written by a 14 year old girl. I think everybody knows what it is like to feel worthless, though for some of us it might just be for a fleeting moment when something has gone wrong or when we have let somebody we love down. But for many teenagers, a feeling of worthlessness is something they live with every day, and it can colour their whole lives. They believe they have no value, and that they have nothing to give to the world.
How can we give our young people a sense of worth? We can remind them they are loved. Recently, I had the pleasure of seeing Caitlin Moran live, as she is promoting her book More Than A Woman. She has been a mother of a teenager who was anorexic, self-harming and suicidal. This experience taught her that what children who are suffering need most is a parent who can sit in silence, listen, and say 'I love you' as many times as the child needs to hear it. Her metaphor was that of a placid cow, repeatedly mooing 'I loooove you'. It doesn't sound that difficult, but it requires us to put aside judgement and the desire to fix things, and to just listen. Love and connection creates a sense of worth.
A sense of worth can also come from reminding young people of their strengths. The temptation is to start to list their talents, or things they have succeeded in. You are the captain of your football team! You passed your science test! You have lots of friends! You are great at baking cakes! But a far more useful thing to do is to identify character strengths. These are part of who we are, of how we were made, of our personality. The psychologist, Martin Seligman, developed the Values in Action Signature Strengths. This is a list of 24 character strengths. According to him, we all have some of these strengths, no matter who we are or our circumstances. It includes strengths like 'zest', 'fairness', 'perseverance' and 'social intelligence'. So, the conversation becomes 'you are captain of the football team because one of your strengths is leadership. Do you use this strength in school?' Or, 'you are really popular because you have great social intelligence. How could this strength help you deal with this problem you are facing?'. We are identifying what makes them unique and special, and showing them that their strengths are just part of who they are and not reliant on the opinions or judgements of others. 'I am popular as long as other people like me, but I will have social intelligence for the rest of my life.' (There is an online test you can do to identify your strengths, I've linked to it below. )
A final way to ensure our young people don't have to live battling a sense of worthlessness is by teaching them self-compassion. Dr Kristin Neff is an expert on self compassion. For her, self-compassion is where we are able to recognise and accept our feelings. Having compassion means understanding that all feelings are universal, and that all humans are flawed and make mistakes. It also means being able to treat ourselves with kindness, as we would our best friend. All of us are a miracle of existence, and just by being ourselves we have worth in this world.
As long as there are 14 year old girls feeling worthless, I will continue to coach to empower teenagers to see their true worth. My worth is no longer based on my salary or my job title, but on my strengths that enable me to change how young people see themselves.
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