As parents, we often want an explanation for what is happening to our teenagers. We want to know what is worrying them, why they are feeling anxious, why they have withdrawn from us. Sometimes we ask them directly, 'just tell me what's wrong'. For many teenagers, this is completely appropriate. They want a chance to talk about what is bothering them. Maybe they are having a specific issue with a friend, or they have a particular worry about something at school. Maybe they genuinely want some advice or to get some reassurance. But for many teenagers this is the actually the last thing they want or need.
Some young people can find it incredibly difficult to articulate what is wrong with them. They know their heart starts racing and that they feel sick as they approach the school gates, but they may not understand themselves why they are feeling this way. They may wake up feeling like the weight of the world is on their shoulders, even though there doesn't seem to be anything 'wrong' with their life. This can lead to self-criticism: I'm stupid for getting anxious when I know nothing bad is going to happen. I am ungrateful and unlikable for not being able to appreciate what I have. I am weak and pathetic for feeling so bad when other people who have it much worse than me are able to be happy. The teenager's own self-talk exacerbates the mental health challenges they are facing, and they can start a downward spiral towards anxiety disorder and depression.
If a child is feeling depressed, pointing out everything that is good in their lives is not necessarily going to help. Telling them to cheer up or look on the bright side is not what they need to hear. Reassuring a child who is suffering with anxiety that there is nothing to worry about and that everything is going to be fine can be pretty ineffective. Instead, we can start by acknowledging the child's feelings, even if we don't understand why they are feeling that way. We can listen to them in a non-judgmental way, that allows them to tell us how they are feeling, without us telling them what they need to do to fix it. We can listen calmly, and remember that the conversation is about them, and not about us. Inside, we might be worrying about our child, we might be feeling guilty that we hadn't noticed something was wrong sooner. We might be feeling angry: at them, at ourselves, at the situation. We might desperately want to find something or somebody to blame, or find a quick solution to the problem. It might trigger painful feelings in us if we too have had mental health issues. No matter what we are feeling or thinking inside, we need to accept that our child is having a tough time and right now all they need is for us to listen.
When somebody's mental health is suffering, there often isn't one problem that needs fixing. It might be hard for us to understand why they find it so hard to get through the day when from the outside it doesn't look like anything bad is happening to them. But anxiety and depression aren't logical or based on fact. There is a whole host of factors at play, and there is no quick fix. However, if you want your child to feel better, the best place you can start is by giving them an opportunity to talk to someone (either yourself or another trusted adult) who will listen calmly, respectfully and without judgement. They are not a problem to be fixed, they are a child that needs to be heard.
Here are some useful phrases, taken from Public Health England/ British Red Cross:
Tell me a bit about what worries you
Is there anything else that worries you?
I feel that there is something more on your mind...
I understand your feelings, lots of people feel...
It is very natural to be sad/angry/upset or...
I hear what you are saying..
The website www.familylives.org.uk has lots of useful resources around
talking to teenagers.
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